The race : Kinetics Adventure Sprint
Date : 25 July. 2010
Place : Paddle Power, Pelindaba
Team : Bloed en OMO
Jan “Biltong” Bezuidenhout
Connie “Ouma ” van der Merwe
Abel “Oupa ” van der Merwe

Upon arrival at Paddle Power we were surprised by the massive turnout, the high level of organisation and the crumpled front tyre of Biltong’s bike. It appears that he had mounted it too close the car exhaust.

Fitting an inner tube resulted in both tyre and tube bursting open since about 10 cm of the tyre had transformed into a soft bitumen like substance. The solution in the end was a gaiter loaned from Alec of team Hawkestone plus some additional makeshift gaiters made from the burst tube and a wrapping of duct tape. This amazingly lasted the entire race.

As regards the race itself, I feel obliged to defend the poor performance of Bloed en OMO as follows :

1. The fact that Biltong missed the start because he was crooning behind a tree bears little relevance to the result. Nor does the fact that he only discovered, well into the opening run stage, that he’d left the passport lying on the ground. It does however explain why the rest of the team were not willing to touch the passport hence forth despite it being laminated.

2. I object in the strongest terms to accusations that Bloed en OMO cannot navigate. The transition area was empty when we took to our bikes and we consequently had no assistance whatsoever into the wilderness. So it was hardly surprising that we became a little disoriented and failed to find the next CP.

The map should, however, be given a fair deal of the blame in that it indicated the R511 to be in exactly the opposite direction to which we could clearly hear the traffic through the bush. In fact it even disagreed with our compass – which we always carry for insurance purposes – and the angle of the sun. Furthermore it failed to show Pelindaba while there we were practically on its doorstep, so to speak, with its chimneys looming above us.

At first I could not understand the déjà vu feeling that came over me while Biltong rotated the map around and around. I just knew that the next thing Biltong would do – in accordance with his training – would be to view the map through a mirror in the hope that this would make it fit the evidence.

Then I realised what the feeling was. I used to work at Pelindaba some 35 years ago during the time I was still courting Ouma. (Can somebody please explain to me what it means when every time you phone a chick she says she can’t go out with you because she’s washing her hair.)

Our breakthrough came when another clearly verdwaalde team pitched up and pointed at the CP3 board hanging in a tree above our heads. This subtle clue was all we needed to be our way. First we back tracked to CP2 after which the remaining CPs of this stage were a mere triviality.

3. Stories about the lack of paddling skills in team Bloed en OMO are, to say the least, malicious. The quivering of our craft was from excitement plus the rumble of our potent diesel engines. As for the our erratic path over the river and back for the next hiking stage, that can be attributed to a bent hull and some violent eddy currents that were not there when the rest of the teams came through during the early morning.

4. We vehemently deny that our pace was leisurely during the hike. In mitigation we will admit that we could not help slowing down to admire an exquisite adventure racing tableau that was unfolding before our eyes. A very energetic girl was searching for CPs, like a puppy with boundless enthusiasm, while calling “kom maatjie … kom maatjie” over her shoulder to a male partner who exhibited all the reluctance of a young boy being taken by his mother to shop for clothes. His entire body language said “I am a late replacement and I’d rather be watching the Boks get a hiding on TV”.

5. Despite what you might have been told, Blood en OMO did not waste time, not too much anyway, eating marmite cream crackers, cheese and dried fruit, during the transitions.

6. Nor did we waste time on the second bike stage. I personally can vouch that we were fast– the duct tape on Biltong’s wheel threw up little puffs of dust each time it came around as we shunted up a long incline. If Ouma was a bit slow at first it was because she’d been saddened by some poor whites that were moving dispiritedly in the yards of their ramshackle homes on the river bank. I like to think she perked up when Oupa put his hand on her buttock and pushed her up the hill.

7. Rumours about the zip line causing fear and reluctance in Boed en OMO are dismissed with contempt. Sure, a bit of time was lost explaining to Ouma what the options were. But, this did not take too long as there was, in fact, only the one option on the table.

“Kom maatjie” did, however, speak what was on our minds when she muttered “O f$%#.... O f$%#,” to herself as we climbed ever higher up the launch tower – as if the valley over which the zip line went was not deep enough. Then all too quickly it was over and Ouma needed some more speaking to as she wanted to go again and again.

8. Nobody witnessed our assault on the final obstacle course – the camera crews having gone home – so therefore, in the finest tradition of the RSA courts, this incident does not exist. In any case who wants to see Oupa drag Ouma up a knotted rope climb with Biltong hanging onto his feet on the other side?

We will, however, admit that the real reason for our dismal performance lies in the character of sprint races.

Distances are short so things simply happen too rapidly to allow time to consider the options, chew the cud or even to enjoy the view. More significantly, a navigation error that would, in a multi-day race, be a minor diversion - a mere wrinkle which given enough time would iron itself out - becomes a catastrophic bungle with high percentage impact in a sprint race.

Thanks Heidi and Stephan for a day of fun in the veld.